No One Can Say That I Do Not Have Friends…

Well I’ll just call a taxi… I’ve gotta get up early tomorrow again.

What goes on behind the words?
Is there pity for the plain girl?
I’ll close my mouth, I won’t say a word
A nod of pity for the plain girl”

That song is all about anxiety and it is so universal to me. Even today but it related to me especially back in University. 

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Sorry I haven’t written in so long, but today I have been feeling a lot and what do I do whenever I feel things? I write. I make art. It’s all I can do.

I sit here all alone, coloring in my adult coloring book. I look at my instagram, and the people that I follow. All seem to be having the greatest fun with their own friends.

I think of Rachel Bloom’s character Rebecca Bunch in Crazy Ex Girlfriend in the scene where she leaves the movie theater, where she saw a movie about a bunch of friends who got closer because one was diagnosed with cancer. She walks out and looks at all the groups of friends, and she sighs. She sings to herself “I have friends, I definitely have friends, friends friends friendly friends, I have all the friends.” and she slowly walks away.

This scene feels so real to me, but I’m not pushing people away. I live in the middle of no where, an hour away from everyone else and HOURS away from my old friends and even days from my older friends.

I had friends at my college program that I dropped out of, but they’re all too busy with their studies. I’m also too busy with my own studies and my own work, but why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel so broken hearted? Why do I feel like there’s something wrong with me?

Yes, I do know that I have to be my own best friend, but I can only laugh at myself so much. There is a point where I have to turn off the TV, and put down the phone and realize that I don’t have anyone to talk to unless if they’re on the phone–and that’s better than nothing, but do they still care about me? Do my old friends have the time? Have we grown a part? Are we still close? Why can’t I pick up the phone and dial their number?

I want to spend time with someone—face to face. A friend. I want to have human connections with more than just my parents and my coworkers. I want to meet new people, see the world, live my career.

I have been through several toxic friendships and they have taught me so much.

One friend projected all of her problems onto me and would text me 24/7 and wanted me to only be her friend and no one else’s.  She drove me away from my best friend and she hurt me so much that it took me a long time to forgive her.  I learned a lot from this friend and it’s been 3 years since we were friends and I am still wondering what I learned from her cruelty. But I know I learned these three things:

1) Abusive relationships/friendships include isolation and projecting their own problems onto you and then whenever you confront them, they make you confused and project even more onto you. You feel like everything is all your fault. And it’s not.

2) If you’re the new kid, always listen to your best friend when a popular and rude person suddenly likes you. Your best friend will most of the time be right, because she suffered a similar thing way back in elementary or middle school that you don’t know about.

3) If you find yourself apologizing for so many big and little things that seem pointless—stop it. Get out. You are not supposed to feel sorry for everything unless if you feel really sorry.

I have had friends who have told me that I can’t like what I like. For example they told me that Harry Potter was dumb, or that Doctor Who or Steampunk was stupid and that I “can’t like it” because it’s “lame” or “dumb” or something else. But I loved those things. Why was I not allowed to like or love things? What’s wrong with them?

I have had friends abandon me for popularity. Ignore me for no reason. High school was hell for me, even though the last two years of it were spent at a performing arts high school, I learned a lot but socially it was hell.

I thought college would be different. I wasted all this hope and energy on auditioning and applying for 21 different colleges around the United Staes and the United Kingdom. Got rejected by all of them but two. I went to the cheaper option instead of taking a gap year. Worst and best decision I ever made.

My first year of college was hell, because it was worse than high school because I was made fun of for my religion in the first few weeks, and I didn’t feel like I could trust anyone after that. I was told to come to parties and when I came, no one cared that if I was there or not. I don’t drink or smoke so people didn’t think I was the slightest bit of interesting.

Dodie’s song 6/10 really hit me hard because it expressed exactly how I felt.

“I feel like a 6/10, I’ve gotta get up early tomorrow again.

What goes on behind the words?                                                                                                       Is there pity for the plain girl?                                                                                                         I’ll close my mouth, I won’t say a word.                                                                                           A nod of pity for the plain girl. 

I know that you don’t want me here. 

I know that you don’t want me here. 

I KNOW that you DON’T want me here. 

I KNOW that you DON’T WANT me HERE. 

 

Well I’ll just call a taxi… I’ve gotta get up early tomorrow again.

What goes on behind the words?
Is there pity for the plain girl?
I’ll close my mouth, I won’t say a word
A nod of pity for the plain girl”  

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That song is all about anxiety and it is so universal to me. Even today but it related to me especially back in University.

I was emotionally abused not only by my peers but by my professors. I trusted one of my professors, I told him my dreams, and he ended up betraying me, by trying to push me out of the program. Well. He won. So what? I’m out of the program. I thank him now, because I’m away from that place. I won’t have to be on probation for no reason. It’s a long story but in short, I went to appeal the probation and I was told that I wasn’t good enough to be an actor. I wasn’t good enough to be in musicals.

So much “You’re not good enough.”

I knew deep down that they were wrong and they were.

Any professor, or teacher who believes that their students ‘aren’t good enough’ are not good enough themselves. THEY ARE TEACHING FOR A REASON.

Here are two reasons why people become teachers:

  1. the good reason, they have achieved their dreams or a long career. They are still working to help others achieve theirs. This is the good kind, this is the one I finally found. They’re passionate and they care about you.
  2. They wanted a stable job. A place to experiment their work on their favorite students and their favorite students only, and everyone else can go to hell for all they care. These instructors will tell people that they’re not ever going to make it.

Now professors can change. 2 can change into 1, don’t get me wrong but those are the ones that I have experienced. It took me forever to find the good instructor and mentor. I finally found a place where I can be vulnerable and I’m not afraid to be anything other than myself.

but something’s missing.

a thing that made my life so full of fun and joy. I’M 19, WHY CAN’T I EXPERIENCE A close FRIENDSHIP?

I’ve apologized so much. I’ve endured so much and now I’m stuck.

I feel stuck. Stuck in not only the middle of no where but also stuck in my own mind. Stuck in the anxiety that keeps me from saying “Hello” to people in my acting class and telling them that I like certain things about them, and reaching out to them and wanting to become their friends and hang out, outside of class.

But I can’t.

That class ended weeks ago.

 

It’s almost Thanksgiving. I need to be thankful. Thankful for everything I have and maybe I’ll look at this in a new perspective. When I do, it will possibly change.

But for now, I’m going to keep fighting that anxiety. I’m going to make goals to reach out to strangers and talk to them. I’m going to force myself out of my comfort zone. I am going to tell myself every day that I am brave enough to talk to people.  Then eventually I will be able to. Eventually I will defeat my social anxiety.

and when I do. Hopefully I will have a friend who will love me for who I am and not for what they want me to be. A friend who won’t tell me to hate the things that I love. A friend who doesn’t think that I’m annoying but a joy to be around. And hopefully I will find that friend too. One day. I will do my best to be the best friend that I can be. The most caring and empathetic friend that I am, but I expect them to be that friend in return.

I guess that’s too much to ask of this world.

But maybe it isn’t.

We will see.

Sorry about the rant I’ve just felt empty inside and the only way to express myself is through writing.

Love you all, let me know what you think about this. What advice you may have and what you think about people who are emotionally abusive? I want to hear your experiences.

Thanks.  I promise I’m okay, I’ll upload a new video onto youtube on Tuesday! So stay tuned for that and for vlogmas!

with love,

Lindsay.

My Youtube Channel!

Do you enjoy my content on here? Well, I have a lot more on my youtube channel!

On my youtube channel you can find:

  1. musicals (talking and nerding out about them.)
  2. Acting/artist/creator advice and inspirational videos.
  3. theatre.
  4. film rants, talks, etc.
  5. and lots more!

CLICK THIS LINK:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKAwFKI3wpudoi9KLh1cJFQ?

Please subscribe and let me know if you have any ideas!

10 Reasons Why I Would Be the Worst Doctor Who Companion Ever.

  1. I’m out of shape.      That’s an AWFUL lot of running to do.                                            

Me: “Hey, can we just go and die. I’m tired. I can’t breathe.”

Doctor: “What? Lindsay? ARe you sucicidal? Come on! Let’s go.”

Me: “No. I’m sorry, my New Years Resolutions never work out. It’s my fault, I decided my fate. You go on. Let me die.”

Doctor: He rolls his eyes, and picks me up and tries to run. OR he might drag me through the dirt. Who knows? Depending on which Doctor…

Man, I gotta get ready and into shape or I’m gonna die.

2.   I would post EVERYTHING on social media.

#historyhasitseyesonyou #AlexanderHamilton #ItsGoodtoSeeYourFace

And then maybe Lin Manuel Miranda might notice my social media accounts? Maybe? No. He’d probably take my place as a companion. THAT’D BE SO CUTE. #yayHamlet!

#Shakespeare #SomethingRotten #AlasPoorYolkIKnowTheeWell #IMetShakespeare #HeisSadlyNotaRockstar #ButHesFabulous

3. I would probably mess up the turns of events much more severely than anyone has ever done before.

” HEY DOCTOR IT’S HITLER AND HE KILLED MY BEST FRIENDS GRANDPARENTS.” “LINDS, NO!” *BANG* *UNIVERSE EXPLODES*

“HEY DOCTOR! LOOK IT’S MOZART. CAN I TELL HIM THAT HE NEEDS TO BELIEVE IN HIMSELF AND THAT HE’S AMAZING AND THAT I LOVE HIM?”

“HEY DOCTOR CAN I PLEASE DANCE WITH DONALD OH CONNOR AND MARRY HIM EVEN THOUGH HE DIES FOUR YEARS AFTER I’M BORN?I ask

4. I ask too many questions.

“What does this button do?” “Hey, why do you wear that scarf?” “What does this BIG RED BUTTON DO? I heard that you said that you like big red buttons. Me too. They’re pretty. Can I press it? Please? PLEASEEEEE?”

“Why does the dalek have a toilet plunger on it? it’s so pitiful.” “Hey, why is there spagetti flowing out of the ood? What function does that serve? How do they eat? DO they eat? ARe they okay? Why are the enslaved? Why did humans think that was a good idea? Why are humans so annoying? Am I annoying you? Sorry. Are you sure? okay.”

Some of my questions sound reasonable, but I just probably ask too many, to the point of being obnoxious.

5. I’m in love with 11 and 10. So if one of them was my Doctor I’d be depressed, in love or dead. Probably all of the above. 

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6.    I have ADHD, so there goes my attention span…

“Lindsay, look. Over there. The great-” “HEY DOC, IS THAT A SQUIRREL?”

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7.   WHAT WAS A SAYING? Oh yes, Number 7…. Did I mention I have ADHD? Yeah. I could probably never decide where to go.

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I am in fact. Lasagna.

8. I’d probably get killed by taking a selfie before they were even invented…

rooftop-selfie

It would be like this, but in front of a Historical battle or a dinosaur or something.

9. My combat skills consist of Level 1 Certification in STAGE combat and nothing else. I have the combat skills of a helpless chicken. (against a dalek or alien, but if I’m against a rapist or anything like that… I think I have that covered….hopefully.

10. Depending on which Doctor I would be with, he would get annoyed by me pretty fast. 

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But, it would still be great. I’d hopefully get over these issues, and I’d get along with 11, 10, 9, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, and maybe 2 and 12. 1 and 12 are….pretty cranky. Twelve is the crankiest so far, but he’s got a soft touch.

As an actress, I’ve always dreamed of playing the Doctor’s assistant or the Actual Doctor. This show has always been an inspiration to me and it’s such a great show. It’s lame in some respects, but you can always take something from every episode. I want to know what you think would disqualify you to be the Doctor’s assistant and what qualifies you to be the Doctor’s assistant. And who is your favorite Doctor?

I want to know what you think would disqualify you to be the Doctor’s assistant and what qualifies you to be the Doctor’s assistant. And who is your favorite Doctor?

And who is your favorite Doctor?

Thanks guys,

love,

Linds.

My 10 New Years Resolutions (SHARE YOURS WITH ME! )

Hi there,

So I decided to make Blogging on a consistent one of my New Year’s Resolutions. Let’s hope that this doesn’t fail like last year’s “lose thirty pounds” resolution. (Granted, I don’t need to lose 30 pounds because then I’d be underweight for my height, but I did need to get fit…Heck. I still do. )

Anyway.

So Hi there. Welcome back to my blog after two years of a long hiatus.

Wow, I’ve been gone longer than the return of Sherlock. Well, at least I’ll stay longer. 😉 Oh no what I have done. I’m sorry.

My second resolution is to get a great GPA above 3.5. Sounds easy. Fair enough.

My third resolution is to grow in positive self-talk and self-awareness. I’ve been reading lots about this and I mainly want to get rid of unnecessary insecurities and anxieties that I have gained from 2016.

 

My fourth resolution is to lose ten pounds instead of thirty! I can do it! And get fit in the process! I hope!

 

 

My fifth resolution is to be kinder to others, even if they have not shown any kindness to me. I want to find peace with my enemies, even if they cannot make peace with me. I know this is probably the hardest one on my list, but I can do it.

 

My sixth is a religious thing, so if you’re not religious it’s okay. It’s your life, and you get to have your own mind and you our own beliefs based on your experiences.  I am a mormon. No. I don’t have seven moms, I only have one. No, I don’t hate gays and I don’t judge them or wish them to hell. I wish that the people who tell gays and others to go to hell that those people should go to hell. You can’t condemn someone like that unless you are God so stop it. Be nice. We all live on this planet so get along. As a mormon, I have been bullied and tossed aside and excluded for my religion especially by my peers in this last semester. This caused me to back off of them, to run away from socializing. Now everyone thinks that I hate them. So this resolution is to grow closer to God and to find strength through him.

My seventh resolution is to stand up for myself. For too long I’ve been quiet, stepped-on and tossed aside. I have to stand up not just for my own beliefs and standards but for myself as a person. That’s hard for me to do believe it or not.

My eighth resolution is to grow artistically, through acting, dance, singing, etc. I just want to learn and grow.

My ninth resolution is to start up my youtube channel again. Goodness I’m bad at consistency.

And my tenth is to communicate on this blog more with people. So comment below what your resolutions are and what you feel you can do to achieve them.

 

That is all.

-Linds

Get To Know Me: 21 Questions.

I found this a long time ago and I lost the website to give credit to, so if this is yours please comment and I will edit it to give you the credit!

I thought we should get to know each other since you’re following this blog so here you go:

1. Are you named after anyone? Why yes I am! Well my middle name is. I got my middle name ‘Kate’ from the musical “Kiss Me Kate.” which explains my love for musicals and my singing abilities.

2. When was the last time you cried? This morning when I was reading “All I Know Now.” by Carrie Hope Fletcher. It’s a fabulous book, and it’s giving me tears. (Probably because it’s that time of the month.)

3. Do you have kids? LOL NOPE. I AM SIXTEEN, ADN A VIRGIN AND I HOPE IT STAYS THAT WAY UNTIL I’M 28.

4. If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself? OH YEAH. I’m a really good friend, I love all my friends to death. I spoil them with friendship (not in gifts but in loyalty.) I’m a true Hufflepuff.

5. Do you use sarcasm a lot? No. Not at all. What are you talking about 😉

6. Will you ever bungee-jump? Mmm….nope. .

7. What’s your favorite cereal? Froot Loops, my dad and I are the people on the commercial that play Mario and scream “YEAH YEAH.” while my mom’s asleep and unaware of the fact that Dad just brought me froot loops.

8. What’s the first thing you notice about people? The way they treat others and the way they treat themselves.

9. What is your eye color? Hazel.

10. Scary movie or happy endings? Happy Endings, although….I hate endings.

11. Favorite smells? Tea, Chocolate, Gasoline (I don’t know why, my nose is the weirdest thing ever) and Petrichor I don’t think I spelled that correctly though…

12. Summer or winter? BOTH! I love Sweater weather but I love being free from responsibilities.

13. Computer or television? Computer. I’m not going to explain this one.

14. What’s the furthest you’ve ever been from home? When I went on a week long college road trip with my dad around the Northeast.

15. Do you have any special talents? I’m a singer, actress, writer, reader and I wish I was a fabulous artist but I can’t draw to save my life.

16. Where were you born? Utah. (The place the Doctor ‘died’ on this day.)

17. What are your hobbies? Food, Watching TV Superwholock, Tumblr, writing, doodling, vlogging, blogging, and that’s all I can think of at the moment.

18. Do you have any pets? Two! A skinny dog and a fat dog! We feed them equally though, actually we feed the skinny one a whole lot more and she never gains weight! Poor girl!

19. Favorite movie? The Imitation Game. The Writing was fabulous, Benedict’s performance was amazing and I honestly cannot find a single flaw in that movie.

20. Do you have any siblings? Two older brothers. Both moved out. I’m still living with my parents. (That’s because I’m sixteen and I have to. I’m not complaining.)

21. What do you want to be when you grow up? I’ll be an actress! And I’ll assure that’s what will finally come to pass! 😉

Guess What? I Started to Vlog!

Hey guys! I decided to be more active both on here, and on youtube! Please check out my first video!