No One Can Say That I Do Not Have Friends…

Well I’ll just call a taxi… I’ve gotta get up early tomorrow again.

What goes on behind the words?
Is there pity for the plain girl?
I’ll close my mouth, I won’t say a word
A nod of pity for the plain girl”

That song is all about anxiety and it is so universal to me. Even today but it related to me especially back in University. 

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Sorry I haven’t written in so long, but today I have been feeling a lot and what do I do whenever I feel things? I write. I make art. It’s all I can do.

I sit here all alone, coloring in my adult coloring book. I look at my instagram, and the people that I follow. All seem to be having the greatest fun with their own friends.

I think of Rachel Bloom’s character Rebecca Bunch in Crazy Ex Girlfriend in the scene where she leaves the movie theater, where she saw a movie about a bunch of friends who got closer because one was diagnosed with cancer. She walks out and looks at all the groups of friends, and she sighs. She sings to herself “I have friends, I definitely have friends, friends friends friendly friends, I have all the friends.” and she slowly walks away.

This scene feels so real to me, but I’m not pushing people away. I live in the middle of no where, an hour away from everyone else and HOURS away from my old friends and even days from my older friends.

I had friends at my college program that I dropped out of, but they’re all too busy with their studies. I’m also too busy with my own studies and my own work, but why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel so broken hearted? Why do I feel like there’s something wrong with me?

Yes, I do know that I have to be my own best friend, but I can only laugh at myself so much. There is a point where I have to turn off the TV, and put down the phone and realize that I don’t have anyone to talk to unless if they’re on the phone–and that’s better than nothing, but do they still care about me? Do my old friends have the time? Have we grown a part? Are we still close? Why can’t I pick up the phone and dial their number?

I want to spend time with someone—face to face. A friend. I want to have human connections with more than just my parents and my coworkers. I want to meet new people, see the world, live my career.

I have been through several toxic friendships and they have taught me so much.

One friend projected all of her problems onto me and would text me 24/7 and wanted me to only be her friend and no one else’s.  She drove me away from my best friend and she hurt me so much that it took me a long time to forgive her.  I learned a lot from this friend and it’s been 3 years since we were friends and I am still wondering what I learned from her cruelty. But I know I learned these three things:

1) Abusive relationships/friendships include isolation and projecting their own problems onto you and then whenever you confront them, they make you confused and project even more onto you. You feel like everything is all your fault. And it’s not.

2) If you’re the new kid, always listen to your best friend when a popular and rude person suddenly likes you. Your best friend will most of the time be right, because she suffered a similar thing way back in elementary or middle school that you don’t know about.

3) If you find yourself apologizing for so many big and little things that seem pointless—stop it. Get out. You are not supposed to feel sorry for everything unless if you feel really sorry.

I have had friends who have told me that I can’t like what I like. For example they told me that Harry Potter was dumb, or that Doctor Who or Steampunk was stupid and that I “can’t like it” because it’s “lame” or “dumb” or something else. But I loved those things. Why was I not allowed to like or love things? What’s wrong with them?

I have had friends abandon me for popularity. Ignore me for no reason. High school was hell for me, even though the last two years of it were spent at a performing arts high school, I learned a lot but socially it was hell.

I thought college would be different. I wasted all this hope and energy on auditioning and applying for 21 different colleges around the United Staes and the United Kingdom. Got rejected by all of them but two. I went to the cheaper option instead of taking a gap year. Worst and best decision I ever made.

My first year of college was hell, because it was worse than high school because I was made fun of for my religion in the first few weeks, and I didn’t feel like I could trust anyone after that. I was told to come to parties and when I came, no one cared that if I was there or not. I don’t drink or smoke so people didn’t think I was the slightest bit of interesting.

Dodie’s song 6/10 really hit me hard because it expressed exactly how I felt.

“I feel like a 6/10, I’ve gotta get up early tomorrow again.

What goes on behind the words?                                                                                                       Is there pity for the plain girl?                                                                                                         I’ll close my mouth, I won’t say a word.                                                                                           A nod of pity for the plain girl. 

I know that you don’t want me here. 

I know that you don’t want me here. 

I KNOW that you DON’T want me here. 

I KNOW that you DON’T WANT me HERE. 

 

Well I’ll just call a taxi… I’ve gotta get up early tomorrow again.

What goes on behind the words?
Is there pity for the plain girl?
I’ll close my mouth, I won’t say a word
A nod of pity for the plain girl”  

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That song is all about anxiety and it is so universal to me. Even today but it related to me especially back in University.

I was emotionally abused not only by my peers but by my professors. I trusted one of my professors, I told him my dreams, and he ended up betraying me, by trying to push me out of the program. Well. He won. So what? I’m out of the program. I thank him now, because I’m away from that place. I won’t have to be on probation for no reason. It’s a long story but in short, I went to appeal the probation and I was told that I wasn’t good enough to be an actor. I wasn’t good enough to be in musicals.

So much “You’re not good enough.”

I knew deep down that they were wrong and they were.

Any professor, or teacher who believes that their students ‘aren’t good enough’ are not good enough themselves. THEY ARE TEACHING FOR A REASON.

Here are two reasons why people become teachers:

  1. the good reason, they have achieved their dreams or a long career. They are still working to help others achieve theirs. This is the good kind, this is the one I finally found. They’re passionate and they care about you.
  2. They wanted a stable job. A place to experiment their work on their favorite students and their favorite students only, and everyone else can go to hell for all they care. These instructors will tell people that they’re not ever going to make it.

Now professors can change. 2 can change into 1, don’t get me wrong but those are the ones that I have experienced. It took me forever to find the good instructor and mentor. I finally found a place where I can be vulnerable and I’m not afraid to be anything other than myself.

but something’s missing.

a thing that made my life so full of fun and joy. I’M 19, WHY CAN’T I EXPERIENCE A close FRIENDSHIP?

I’ve apologized so much. I’ve endured so much and now I’m stuck.

I feel stuck. Stuck in not only the middle of no where but also stuck in my own mind. Stuck in the anxiety that keeps me from saying “Hello” to people in my acting class and telling them that I like certain things about them, and reaching out to them and wanting to become their friends and hang out, outside of class.

But I can’t.

That class ended weeks ago.

 

It’s almost Thanksgiving. I need to be thankful. Thankful for everything I have and maybe I’ll look at this in a new perspective. When I do, it will possibly change.

But for now, I’m going to keep fighting that anxiety. I’m going to make goals to reach out to strangers and talk to them. I’m going to force myself out of my comfort zone. I am going to tell myself every day that I am brave enough to talk to people.  Then eventually I will be able to. Eventually I will defeat my social anxiety.

and when I do. Hopefully I will have a friend who will love me for who I am and not for what they want me to be. A friend who won’t tell me to hate the things that I love. A friend who doesn’t think that I’m annoying but a joy to be around. And hopefully I will find that friend too. One day. I will do my best to be the best friend that I can be. The most caring and empathetic friend that I am, but I expect them to be that friend in return.

I guess that’s too much to ask of this world.

But maybe it isn’t.

We will see.

Sorry about the rant I’ve just felt empty inside and the only way to express myself is through writing.

Love you all, let me know what you think about this. What advice you may have and what you think about people who are emotionally abusive? I want to hear your experiences.

Thanks.  I promise I’m okay, I’ll upload a new video onto youtube on Tuesday! So stay tuned for that and for vlogmas!

with love,

Lindsay.

My Youtube Channel!

Do you enjoy my content on here? Well, I have a lot more on my youtube channel!

On my youtube channel you can find:

  1. musicals (talking and nerding out about them.)
  2. Acting/artist/creator advice and inspirational videos.
  3. theatre.
  4. film rants, talks, etc.
  5. and lots more!

CLICK THIS LINK:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKAwFKI3wpudoi9KLh1cJFQ?

Please subscribe and let me know if you have any ideas!

My 10 New Years Resolutions (SHARE YOURS WITH ME! )

Hi there,

So I decided to make Blogging on a consistent one of my New Year’s Resolutions. Let’s hope that this doesn’t fail like last year’s “lose thirty pounds” resolution. (Granted, I don’t need to lose 30 pounds because then I’d be underweight for my height, but I did need to get fit…Heck. I still do. )

Anyway.

So Hi there. Welcome back to my blog after two years of a long hiatus.

Wow, I’ve been gone longer than the return of Sherlock. Well, at least I’ll stay longer. 😉 Oh no what I have done. I’m sorry.

My second resolution is to get a great GPA above 3.5. Sounds easy. Fair enough.

My third resolution is to grow in positive self-talk and self-awareness. I’ve been reading lots about this and I mainly want to get rid of unnecessary insecurities and anxieties that I have gained from 2016.

 

My fourth resolution is to lose ten pounds instead of thirty! I can do it! And get fit in the process! I hope!

 

 

My fifth resolution is to be kinder to others, even if they have not shown any kindness to me. I want to find peace with my enemies, even if they cannot make peace with me. I know this is probably the hardest one on my list, but I can do it.

 

My sixth is a religious thing, so if you’re not religious it’s okay. It’s your life, and you get to have your own mind and you our own beliefs based on your experiences.  I am a mormon. No. I don’t have seven moms, I only have one. No, I don’t hate gays and I don’t judge them or wish them to hell. I wish that the people who tell gays and others to go to hell that those people should go to hell. You can’t condemn someone like that unless you are God so stop it. Be nice. We all live on this planet so get along. As a mormon, I have been bullied and tossed aside and excluded for my religion especially by my peers in this last semester. This caused me to back off of them, to run away from socializing. Now everyone thinks that I hate them. So this resolution is to grow closer to God and to find strength through him.

My seventh resolution is to stand up for myself. For too long I’ve been quiet, stepped-on and tossed aside. I have to stand up not just for my own beliefs and standards but for myself as a person. That’s hard for me to do believe it or not.

My eighth resolution is to grow artistically, through acting, dance, singing, etc. I just want to learn and grow.

My ninth resolution is to start up my youtube channel again. Goodness I’m bad at consistency.

And my tenth is to communicate on this blog more with people. So comment below what your resolutions are and what you feel you can do to achieve them.

 

That is all.

-Linds

The 3 Horrible Words That We Tell Ourselves: ‘Not Good Enough.’

Let me discuss the thing that is always at the back of our heads and continues to come to the front of our heads to bother us. No matter what we may dream of, whether it be acting, singing, dancing, writing, or even something different.

Why do we hurt ourselves by saying these horrible things?

Why do we believe others’ terrible words?
Why do we let others decide that we’re not “good enough”?

Well, I say that…

You decide who and what you are going to be. You do what you love and you don’t listen to those who tell you if you’re ‘not good enough.’
Find your heart’s desire and passion and go for it. No matter how many people tell you that you can’t do it.
Walt Disney didn’t make it on the first try. His animation business bankrupt and he became homeless before he accomplished what he has.
J.K. Rowling was practically almost homeless while she tried to raise her daughter, and was rejected by so many publishers for her beloved books.
Marilyn Monroe was told that she should just give up and be a secretary. Now she is one of the most remembered Hollywood actresses and icons in the world.

Jenna Louise Coleman was rejected from the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts and look where she is, she has just finished her time on Doctor Who, which is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME thing. And it boosted her career and she did A FABULOUS JOB!

Doctor Who the show itself was built on failure after failure. They had the crappiest budget, but they had an idea and one of the first (i’m not sure if it was producer or director, correct me if I’m wrong.) female directors for the BBC started that show in 1963. Now that’s pretty fab.

Actors are rejected every day, and we never hear about it.
All of them have been told that they “would never make it because they don’t have the guts, talent, etc.” but they showed the world that they could.
I’ve been told by my High School choir teacher that I was stupid, repeatedly in front of the class. Every day. And people wonder why I don’t sing in choirs anymore. It’s because I was told the words “Lindsay has a great voice, but she’s too stupid to do anything with it.”

I’ve been rejected by schools all over the US and the U.K. to Acting and musical theatre programs.

Sometimes I lose hope, but then I remember how other people have succeeded. They had to take lots and lots of rejections, and they had to fail over and over again.
And I still wonder if I am good enough?
And now, i ask myself this why have I let others do this to me for so long?
Because it hurts.
Because words are more powerful than anything else.
They can break hearts, they can encourage, enrage and they can destroy.
Be careful with words.
Be careful with actions but,
Be brave with your dreams.
Because words can hurt so much, you need time to recover and when you recover, realize that you need to work harder to prove those who said that” you could not do it” wrong.
Don’t let anyone dismiss your hard work, ideas, or even just yourself as “not good enough”, because you are good enough.

Please. Please Please.

Understand that.

As the lovely Sierra Boggess once said “You are enough, you are SO ENOUGH. It is UNBELIEVABLE how ENOUGH you are.”

Thanks for reading.

Catch you later,

Lindsay 🙂

10 Reasons Why being an Introvert is Okay

10 Reasons Why being an Introvert is Okay.
1. You get to spend time with yourself, meaning you get to do what you like. Maybe treat yourself to your favorite TV show, music, games, etc. You get to do what you like without anyone telling you that you can’t.
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2. You don’t constantly need other people in your life. You are just as cool as any other human being, in fact you’re more exciting.

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3. You’re a lot happier.

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4. You’ve taken time to know yourself, your goals, your dreams and your passions. You know who you are.

 

5. You can stay home and watch Disney movies

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Feel all the feelings and cry…with no one to judge you…

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6. If you’re weird like me, you can practice those character voices that you love to practice all by yourself?

 

No just me?

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7. YOU CAN WRITE A BLOG. COUGH.

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8. YOU CAN READ A BOOK.
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9. You can work out/exercise or even take a nap.
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10. No one is going to stop you from going on tumblr.
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If you hate parties, that’s okay… you have netflix and tumblr. Those are your new friends…

Who am I kidding?

I need a life.

But as a Mormon I don’t drink alcohol so parties aren’t exactly the most excitng things for me. Especially when I’m an awkward 5′4 white girl who just stand there in the corner suffocating and geting asthma attacks from all of the smoke. How do you people do it?

The world may never know…

Or I’ll just never know, and I’m okay with that.

This was very biased from my own opinions and thoughts, this was not meant to offend anyone! All my posts are posted with good intentions and I never want to post anything harmful to anyone in any way. Ever.

Best wishes!

Lindsay.

Get To Know Me: 21 Questions.

I found this a long time ago and I lost the website to give credit to, so if this is yours please comment and I will edit it to give you the credit!

I thought we should get to know each other since you’re following this blog so here you go:

1. Are you named after anyone? Why yes I am! Well my middle name is. I got my middle name ‘Kate’ from the musical “Kiss Me Kate.” which explains my love for musicals and my singing abilities.

2. When was the last time you cried? This morning when I was reading “All I Know Now.” by Carrie Hope Fletcher. It’s a fabulous book, and it’s giving me tears. (Probably because it’s that time of the month.)

3. Do you have kids? LOL NOPE. I AM SIXTEEN, ADN A VIRGIN AND I HOPE IT STAYS THAT WAY UNTIL I’M 28.

4. If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself? OH YEAH. I’m a really good friend, I love all my friends to death. I spoil them with friendship (not in gifts but in loyalty.) I’m a true Hufflepuff.

5. Do you use sarcasm a lot? No. Not at all. What are you talking about 😉

6. Will you ever bungee-jump? Mmm….nope. .

7. What’s your favorite cereal? Froot Loops, my dad and I are the people on the commercial that play Mario and scream “YEAH YEAH.” while my mom’s asleep and unaware of the fact that Dad just brought me froot loops.

8. What’s the first thing you notice about people? The way they treat others and the way they treat themselves.

9. What is your eye color? Hazel.

10. Scary movie or happy endings? Happy Endings, although….I hate endings.

11. Favorite smells? Tea, Chocolate, Gasoline (I don’t know why, my nose is the weirdest thing ever) and Petrichor I don’t think I spelled that correctly though…

12. Summer or winter? BOTH! I love Sweater weather but I love being free from responsibilities.

13. Computer or television? Computer. I’m not going to explain this one.

14. What’s the furthest you’ve ever been from home? When I went on a week long college road trip with my dad around the Northeast.

15. Do you have any special talents? I’m a singer, actress, writer, reader and I wish I was a fabulous artist but I can’t draw to save my life.

16. Where were you born? Utah. (The place the Doctor ‘died’ on this day.)

17. What are your hobbies? Food, Watching TV Superwholock, Tumblr, writing, doodling, vlogging, blogging, and that’s all I can think of at the moment.

18. Do you have any pets? Two! A skinny dog and a fat dog! We feed them equally though, actually we feed the skinny one a whole lot more and she never gains weight! Poor girl!

19. Favorite movie? The Imitation Game. The Writing was fabulous, Benedict’s performance was amazing and I honestly cannot find a single flaw in that movie.

20. Do you have any siblings? Two older brothers. Both moved out. I’m still living with my parents. (That’s because I’m sixteen and I have to. I’m not complaining.)

21. What do you want to be when you grow up? I’ll be an actress! And I’ll assure that’s what will finally come to pass! 😉

16 Things Only Theatre Kids Will Understand

1. “I can’t I have rehearsal” is almost your excuse for everything and no one understands how important rehearsal is to you and your cast.

2. You don’t live in New York so you cannot see your favorite Broadway stars in the shows that they are in.

3. Your parents believe that “You’ve already seen too many shows.”

4. SMASH was your favorite NBC show that ever existed and you’re angry that the only reason why they cancelled it was “it was too gay.”

5.  You are always practicing.

6. You are always singing and going over choreography.

7. Shakespeare is either your best friend or your enemy.

8. You don’t understand why Anna Kendrick continues to get roles in musicals when she clearly stated that she is “F***ing tired of singing.”

9. You save every program to every show that you have ever attended to.

10. When you’re home alone you play the full cast of every musical ever written.

11.  It is so rare to find a sexy straight male who can sing and dance and that is why you love Newsies so much.

12.  You and your theatre friends break out into “Cell Block Tango” whenever possible.

13. You are so obsessed with your favorite Broadway actors, however you have only seen them in youtube videos.

14. You have made the mistake of drinking dairy before a show, and it was the worst experience ever.

15. IF you ever see a show you walk out with a strange kind of joy that you can only feel from seeing a show.

16. You still dream of performing on Broadway or West End and you never let anyone get in your way.

As a theatre kid myself, I say to all the dreamers out there. It only gets better, I promise. That’s something I’m trying to believe, but once you believe in yourself the possibilities are endless.